Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Friday, May 14, 2004
Thursday, May 13, 2004
The Perfect Person
J. M. Whitaker
For as long as I can remember, I have been searching for the perfect girl. Since I was old enough to begin longing for female companionship, I have been on the hunt. I guess it started out as just a simple dream or fantasy, not unlike most of us. The strange thing about it was that it never stayed just a dream or a fantasy. The more people I dated, the more times I was let down, the more I hungered for that perfect person, the one that would fill all of my needs and desires, the one that would never let me down.
I dated girl after girl. Some of them were great while others got me into some trouble. Some of them made me laugh, but a lot of them made me cry. Through my journey, I found a lot of joy and a lot of sorrow, a lot of happiness and a lot of pain, but never the perfect girl. I had dreamed about her. Dark hair, darker eyes, a slim figure tinted golden brown from the sun. She had an accent and could play the cello. She would love to talk, but wouldn't expect me to talk too much. She would always ask me how my day was and would always have a smile on her face; absolute perfection.
I began to devise methods in how I would meet the girls I would date. I knew I wanted an intelligent girl, so I hung out in libraries and museums. I meet this real crazy girl at a library after school one day. She was smart and sexy and, well? crazy. I would rather not go into a lot of details about it. Let's just say she had some real deep-seated anxieties about our relationship and, consequentially, our break up.
I knew I wanted an artistic girl, so I went to music stores and coffee shops, I even tried a couple of classical concerts. I met this wonderfully cute girl who dressed really dark and loved to write poetry. She was great, we used to stay up all night long talking about the silliest things, but she ended up dumping me for some guy who did drugs and rode a motorcycle.
I got into a car accident with a girl driving a Pontiac Sunfire. She had no driver's license or car insurance, but she did have a really great smile and the prettiest hair. Instead of calling the police, we called in sick and went out to eat. We dated for a while but eventually came across an irreconcilable difference in opinions. She didn't always feel the need to come "straight home" after work. Okay, to be honest, toward the end of our relationship, she rarely came home at all.
Then there was the girl from the International House of Pancakes. She was an exact replica of my personality. I mean if you had met us both over some Internet chat room, you would swear we were the same person using multiple screen-names. Sounds sweet, huh? Have you ever considered marrying yourself? Have you ever thought about growing old together, just you and yourself? We both found that the whole idea of finding that "perfect person" was to find someone different from yourself to fulfill the empty spots within you.
I searched every where. I left no rock unturned, no leaf moved aside, but to no avail. After much pain and heartache, I began to believe that the perfect girl just did not exist. Then one day, I found her.
Her name was Malia. She was from Hawaii, raised in Italy. She wore silk pajama pants to bed. She had written a novel. She loved the beach and hated cats, just like me. She had silky, dark and curly hair that swayed perfectly if the breeze was right. She had a caramel colored body, etched out of a block of pure perfection, and her face was that of an angel. From the very first time I saw her, I could not seem to take my eyes away from hers. She was like a siren, calling my name, beckoning me closer to her, even when she was asleep. The attraction was complete, with no faults, no annoyances. Every time she spoke shemesmerized me and every time she moved she amazed me. She was... well, perfect. Oh, and did I mention she played the cello?
We spent all the extra time we had together. We spent so much time together that we decided to move in together. We were paying rent on two places, but one of them was doing nothing but collecting dust. We would sit on the porch when it rained and hold each other. We would lay on the beach and soak up a sweet combination of sunrays and pina coladas. Life was good. No, life was perfect and I knew it just couldn't possibly get any better than it was right then and there.
Two years later, Malia left me for a career-opportunity at a really prominent university in Europe. There were no harsh words, no angry feelings, not even any sad good-byes. She was so perfect that if she wanted to leave, I wanted it for her. That is, until she was gone.
I cried for days, and began to drink for weeks after that. I felt as if my life was over, that the only reason that I had existed was gone, and every breath I took from that moment on was a futile attempt to hold on to something I later found I never had: The Perfect Love.
Malia was perfect. She was perfect in each and every single way, but I was not. Our love for each other was a deeply committed one, but it was far from perfect. I know that now, but if I could go back in time to tell myself that in an attempt to save myself from all of that pain and suffering, I fear I would not have listened to myself.
I slept with many women, sometimes a different girl every week. I drank excessively and spent all of my money on temporary satisfaction. Anything to ease the pain. But the pain did not ease, it only grew stronger. It became a vicious circle of self-inflicted torture that eventually brought me to my knees and forced me to open my eyes to the real world. But not before it made me a bitter man.
I was wiser, but to this day, the decisions made left a coldness in my eyes that made my heart appear as lead to anyone who dared look. I became a loner, staying home on the weekends, saving my money for a healthy but lonely retirement, having accepted my fate. I was to be alone for the rest of my life. Kathy with a K. Actually, her name is spelled Kathyrn. Quite peculiar, but I didn't think so until later. For the longest time, I never even knew her name. But she was a sight for sore and lonely eyes. I saw her at work. I was her boss (actually, I was her boss' boss) and did not want to risk the chance of even speaking to her. She was just too beautiful, and I had become a beast with a past too horrible to mention. I would just watch her as she passed my office every day. She didn't walk, she frolicked, and I would sneak out for a break whenever she did just to watch that frolicking. She smiled every time someone spoke to her, a smile like the early morning sun, and her eyes were so dark that you couldn't see her pupils, only the glimmering from the light that made her eyes look like two bright stars. I was under her spell and I didn't even know her name. One day, watching her outside, I convinced myself to ask around about her. Find out her name and maybe even find out if she was seeing someone. Just as I had decided that she spoke to me.
Kathy with a K. She ended up asking me out, you know. I told her I couldn't that night because I had to work late. Actually, I was too scared. I called her and asked her if she wanted to go to Starbucks after work the next day and she agreed. It turned out to be the most romantic night of both of our lives. We were both still pretty new in town and didn't really know our way around. I had no idea what I was going to do or where I was going to take her next so I winged it the whole way. Like I said, it turned out to be the most romantic night of both of our lives. It was perfect.
She was not perfect, but neither was I. We both carried a truckload of emotional baggage and we both had a mountain of flaws. But it was perfect. She would always forget to plug in her cell phone at night, but I would always remind her. I couldn't do laundry worth a flip, but she showed me how. She could never get to work on time, and she hated to drive, but we both had to be at work on time so I drove us both there. Whenever she was slacking I was always right over her shoulder, and when I would lose track of what I was trying to do, she would help to keep me focused. We complemented each other in every single way. Neither of us was perfect, but we were perfect for each other.
When you're out there looking for that perfect person keep these things in mind. People change, no matter how hard they try not to. As you grow older you mature, and with each new level of maturity come different ideas, different needs and wants. The person who was perfect for you at twenty could be the person you hate when you're thirty-five. You have to find some one who will grow with you, change with you, laugh with you and cry with you. A person who fills in where you lack, a person whom you can fill in for when they are lacking. But what about the perfect person, you ask? They do not exist. Even Malia was not perfect because the perfect girl in my dreams was supposed to stay with me.
There are no perfect people, only people who are perfect for each other.
For as long as I can remember, I have been searching for the perfect girl. Since I was old enough to begin longing for female companionship, I have been on the hunt. I guess it started out as just a simple dream or fantasy, not unlike most of us. The strange thing about it was that it never stayed just a dream or a fantasy. The more people I dated, the more times I was let down, the more I hungered for that perfect person, the one that would fill all of my needs and desires, the one that would never let me down.
I dated girl after girl. Some of them were great while others got me into some trouble. Some of them made me laugh, but a lot of them made me cry. Through my journey, I found a lot of joy and a lot of sorrow, a lot of happiness and a lot of pain, but never the perfect girl. I had dreamed about her. Dark hair, darker eyes, a slim figure tinted golden brown from the sun. She had an accent and could play the cello. She would love to talk, but wouldn't expect me to talk too much. She would always ask me how my day was and would always have a smile on her face; absolute perfection.
I began to devise methods in how I would meet the girls I would date. I knew I wanted an intelligent girl, so I hung out in libraries and museums. I meet this real crazy girl at a library after school one day. She was smart and sexy and, well? crazy. I would rather not go into a lot of details about it. Let's just say she had some real deep-seated anxieties about our relationship and, consequentially, our break up.
I knew I wanted an artistic girl, so I went to music stores and coffee shops, I even tried a couple of classical concerts. I met this wonderfully cute girl who dressed really dark and loved to write poetry. She was great, we used to stay up all night long talking about the silliest things, but she ended up dumping me for some guy who did drugs and rode a motorcycle.
I got into a car accident with a girl driving a Pontiac Sunfire. She had no driver's license or car insurance, but she did have a really great smile and the prettiest hair. Instead of calling the police, we called in sick and went out to eat. We dated for a while but eventually came across an irreconcilable difference in opinions. She didn't always feel the need to come "straight home" after work. Okay, to be honest, toward the end of our relationship, she rarely came home at all.
Then there was the girl from the International House of Pancakes. She was an exact replica of my personality. I mean if you had met us both over some Internet chat room, you would swear we were the same person using multiple screen-names. Sounds sweet, huh? Have you ever considered marrying yourself? Have you ever thought about growing old together, just you and yourself? We both found that the whole idea of finding that "perfect person" was to find someone different from yourself to fulfill the empty spots within you.
I searched every where. I left no rock unturned, no leaf moved aside, but to no avail. After much pain and heartache, I began to believe that the perfect girl just did not exist. Then one day, I found her.
Her name was Malia. She was from Hawaii, raised in Italy. She wore silk pajama pants to bed. She had written a novel. She loved the beach and hated cats, just like me. She had silky, dark and curly hair that swayed perfectly if the breeze was right. She had a caramel colored body, etched out of a block of pure perfection, and her face was that of an angel. From the very first time I saw her, I could not seem to take my eyes away from hers. She was like a siren, calling my name, beckoning me closer to her, even when she was asleep. The attraction was complete, with no faults, no annoyances. Every time she spoke shemesmerized me and every time she moved she amazed me. She was... well, perfect. Oh, and did I mention she played the cello?
We spent all the extra time we had together. We spent so much time together that we decided to move in together. We were paying rent on two places, but one of them was doing nothing but collecting dust. We would sit on the porch when it rained and hold each other. We would lay on the beach and soak up a sweet combination of sunrays and pina coladas. Life was good. No, life was perfect and I knew it just couldn't possibly get any better than it was right then and there.
Two years later, Malia left me for a career-opportunity at a really prominent university in Europe. There were no harsh words, no angry feelings, not even any sad good-byes. She was so perfect that if she wanted to leave, I wanted it for her. That is, until she was gone.
I cried for days, and began to drink for weeks after that. I felt as if my life was over, that the only reason that I had existed was gone, and every breath I took from that moment on was a futile attempt to hold on to something I later found I never had: The Perfect Love.
Malia was perfect. She was perfect in each and every single way, but I was not. Our love for each other was a deeply committed one, but it was far from perfect. I know that now, but if I could go back in time to tell myself that in an attempt to save myself from all of that pain and suffering, I fear I would not have listened to myself.
I slept with many women, sometimes a different girl every week. I drank excessively and spent all of my money on temporary satisfaction. Anything to ease the pain. But the pain did not ease, it only grew stronger. It became a vicious circle of self-inflicted torture that eventually brought me to my knees and forced me to open my eyes to the real world. But not before it made me a bitter man.
I was wiser, but to this day, the decisions made left a coldness in my eyes that made my heart appear as lead to anyone who dared look. I became a loner, staying home on the weekends, saving my money for a healthy but lonely retirement, having accepted my fate. I was to be alone for the rest of my life. Kathy with a K. Actually, her name is spelled Kathyrn. Quite peculiar, but I didn't think so until later. For the longest time, I never even knew her name. But she was a sight for sore and lonely eyes. I saw her at work. I was her boss (actually, I was her boss' boss) and did not want to risk the chance of even speaking to her. She was just too beautiful, and I had become a beast with a past too horrible to mention. I would just watch her as she passed my office every day. She didn't walk, she frolicked, and I would sneak out for a break whenever she did just to watch that frolicking. She smiled every time someone spoke to her, a smile like the early morning sun, and her eyes were so dark that you couldn't see her pupils, only the glimmering from the light that made her eyes look like two bright stars. I was under her spell and I didn't even know her name. One day, watching her outside, I convinced myself to ask around about her. Find out her name and maybe even find out if she was seeing someone. Just as I had decided that she spoke to me.
Kathy with a K. She ended up asking me out, you know. I told her I couldn't that night because I had to work late. Actually, I was too scared. I called her and asked her if she wanted to go to Starbucks after work the next day and she agreed. It turned out to be the most romantic night of both of our lives. We were both still pretty new in town and didn't really know our way around. I had no idea what I was going to do or where I was going to take her next so I winged it the whole way. Like I said, it turned out to be the most romantic night of both of our lives. It was perfect.
She was not perfect, but neither was I. We both carried a truckload of emotional baggage and we both had a mountain of flaws. But it was perfect. She would always forget to plug in her cell phone at night, but I would always remind her. I couldn't do laundry worth a flip, but she showed me how. She could never get to work on time, and she hated to drive, but we both had to be at work on time so I drove us both there. Whenever she was slacking I was always right over her shoulder, and when I would lose track of what I was trying to do, she would help to keep me focused. We complemented each other in every single way. Neither of us was perfect, but we were perfect for each other.
When you're out there looking for that perfect person keep these things in mind. People change, no matter how hard they try not to. As you grow older you mature, and with each new level of maturity come different ideas, different needs and wants. The person who was perfect for you at twenty could be the person you hate when you're thirty-five. You have to find some one who will grow with you, change with you, laugh with you and cry with you. A person who fills in where you lack, a person whom you can fill in for when they are lacking. But what about the perfect person, you ask? They do not exist. Even Malia was not perfect because the perfect girl in my dreams was supposed to stay with me.
There are no perfect people, only people who are perfect for each other.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Should you be marrying?
This is one of the readings given during Pre-Cana classes.
SHOULD YOU BE MARRYING?
If this question disturbs you, we are sorry. But as a marriage counselor with 22 years of experience says, I am often asked? What is the most common cause of marital breakups?? In all honesty I have to answer?
Two people who should never have married in the first place, or, at least, should never have married each other?
Most of you will build satisfactory marriages. Many of you will build very happy marriages. For the few of you who might not do either, the following warning signs might well indicate whether you should have second thoughts. We call them the fourteen ifs.
1. You may be very deeply in love, but if you have known each other for less than 3 months, professionals say it is doubtful that you have been acquainted long enough to really know the person you plan to marry. Better give yourselves and the relationship more time.
2. If your fianc� has been really drunk or used drugs 3 times in the past 3 weeks or about 10 times in the past 3-4 months, he or she may have a problem that requires professional help. No marriage should begin if one partner is clearly unstable, troubled, and in need of professional help.
3. If your fianc� makes statements like, "I owe a great deal to mother. It's my duty to make her happy", and if such statements are coupled with behavior that makes it apparent that he or she will do almost anything to ensure parental approval. You should consider how close a relationship with in-laws a healthy marriage can sustain.
4. If you fianc� says things like, "I can't live without you; my life has no meaning apart from you; if I ever lost you I would kill myself", and if such statements are joined to very obvious dependent behavior, this partner may bring nothing to the relationship beyond deep draining needs. Being needed so desperately may flatter the ego for a while, but if that's all there is, the relationship may become dull and draining. Counseling is indicated before considering marriage.
5. If you have developed a pattern of quarreling with, disappointing, seriously irritating, or hurting each other during the majority of times that you have been together in the last 3 months, perhaps you are trying subconsciously to tell each other something. Think about it. Marriage will not erase this type of discontent.
6. If many of the significant, mature people in your life - parents, relatives, teachers and especially good friends who love you - indicate that you may be making a mistake, you should take pause. People rarely comment on another's decision in this day and age. If they muster the courage (in words or otherwise) to tell you that they are troubled, weigh their opinions or non-verbal reactions.
7. If some very serious problem has occurred in the past few weeks, and if it is definitely troubling you, and if you have not had an opportunity to work it through, then either confront the problem or think about postponing the wedding.
8. If your financial situation is uncertain and there appears to be no means of correcting it in the near future, don't pass it off because "we're in love". Statistics show that financial problems are a significant factor in the dissolution of at least 40% of all marriages. Although money does not buy happiness, lack of money can cause a great deal of stress and unhappiness.
9. If all your friends are marrying and you feel pressured to do the same, don't! You can sustain any amount of societal or peer pressure to avoid an unhappy life.
10. If you feel that having become sexually involved commits you to marrying each other despite serious problems in your relationship, don't! A good marriage is predicated on maturity and responsibility, not on sexual involvement which may not be founded on love.
11. If both of you are 18 years of age or under, your potential for divorce is 3.5 times greater than that of people who are 21 years of age and over.
12. If you are marrying because you just have to get out of the house, you will ultimately hurt only yourself if marriage is merely a means of asserting your freedom or "getting back" at your parents for past hurts. Moving out of the house might be very appropriate, but should marriage be the excuse or the way?
13. If you are a pregnant couple (it does take two), then slow down, think, talk, ponder, and pray. Neither pregnancy itself nor the fear of any social stigma that pregnancy might cause are good reasons to marry. Ask yourselves whether you would really marry one another if there was no pregnancy.
14. If your backgrounds or cultures or religious beliefs differ so greatly that strong differences of opinion about important matters have already occurred, the difficulties will more than likely increase when you marry. Further, if one partner consistently compromises and the other never does, resentment might eventually build up on both sides. You should be able to meet one another at least half way.
NOTE: No one can predict that your marriage will fail or succeed, and none of these warning signs spells absolute disaster. The risk that you take is part of the adventure of marriage. But, if you decide to take that risk, you must first consider the odds. Are they in your favor? If not, you might be taking a far greater risk than you should.
Please do not panic, bury your head in the sand, or hit the road. But, do think it over and talk it over. Make certain that you are acting responsibly in that your decision to marry is made with good judgment. You might want to ask advice from a qualified, unbiased person, such as a priest, minister, or married person.
Although marriage is a wonderful state, it is also a life-long task that should be given careful consideration before a lasting decision is made or binding action taken. You owe it to one another to be honest about your feelings and your situation. Only good can come of it.
SHOULD YOU BE MARRYING?
If this question disturbs you, we are sorry. But as a marriage counselor with 22 years of experience says, I am often asked? What is the most common cause of marital breakups?? In all honesty I have to answer?
Two people who should never have married in the first place, or, at least, should never have married each other?
Most of you will build satisfactory marriages. Many of you will build very happy marriages. For the few of you who might not do either, the following warning signs might well indicate whether you should have second thoughts. We call them the fourteen ifs.
1. You may be very deeply in love, but if you have known each other for less than 3 months, professionals say it is doubtful that you have been acquainted long enough to really know the person you plan to marry. Better give yourselves and the relationship more time.
2. If your fianc� has been really drunk or used drugs 3 times in the past 3 weeks or about 10 times in the past 3-4 months, he or she may have a problem that requires professional help. No marriage should begin if one partner is clearly unstable, troubled, and in need of professional help.
3. If your fianc� makes statements like, "I owe a great deal to mother. It's my duty to make her happy", and if such statements are coupled with behavior that makes it apparent that he or she will do almost anything to ensure parental approval. You should consider how close a relationship with in-laws a healthy marriage can sustain.
4. If you fianc� says things like, "I can't live without you; my life has no meaning apart from you; if I ever lost you I would kill myself", and if such statements are joined to very obvious dependent behavior, this partner may bring nothing to the relationship beyond deep draining needs. Being needed so desperately may flatter the ego for a while, but if that's all there is, the relationship may become dull and draining. Counseling is indicated before considering marriage.
5. If you have developed a pattern of quarreling with, disappointing, seriously irritating, or hurting each other during the majority of times that you have been together in the last 3 months, perhaps you are trying subconsciously to tell each other something. Think about it. Marriage will not erase this type of discontent.
6. If many of the significant, mature people in your life - parents, relatives, teachers and especially good friends who love you - indicate that you may be making a mistake, you should take pause. People rarely comment on another's decision in this day and age. If they muster the courage (in words or otherwise) to tell you that they are troubled, weigh their opinions or non-verbal reactions.
7. If some very serious problem has occurred in the past few weeks, and if it is definitely troubling you, and if you have not had an opportunity to work it through, then either confront the problem or think about postponing the wedding.
8. If your financial situation is uncertain and there appears to be no means of correcting it in the near future, don't pass it off because "we're in love". Statistics show that financial problems are a significant factor in the dissolution of at least 40% of all marriages. Although money does not buy happiness, lack of money can cause a great deal of stress and unhappiness.
9. If all your friends are marrying and you feel pressured to do the same, don't! You can sustain any amount of societal or peer pressure to avoid an unhappy life.
10. If you feel that having become sexually involved commits you to marrying each other despite serious problems in your relationship, don't! A good marriage is predicated on maturity and responsibility, not on sexual involvement which may not be founded on love.
11. If both of you are 18 years of age or under, your potential for divorce is 3.5 times greater than that of people who are 21 years of age and over.
12. If you are marrying because you just have to get out of the house, you will ultimately hurt only yourself if marriage is merely a means of asserting your freedom or "getting back" at your parents for past hurts. Moving out of the house might be very appropriate, but should marriage be the excuse or the way?
13. If you are a pregnant couple (it does take two), then slow down, think, talk, ponder, and pray. Neither pregnancy itself nor the fear of any social stigma that pregnancy might cause are good reasons to marry. Ask yourselves whether you would really marry one another if there was no pregnancy.
14. If your backgrounds or cultures or religious beliefs differ so greatly that strong differences of opinion about important matters have already occurred, the difficulties will more than likely increase when you marry. Further, if one partner consistently compromises and the other never does, resentment might eventually build up on both sides. You should be able to meet one another at least half way.
NOTE: No one can predict that your marriage will fail or succeed, and none of these warning signs spells absolute disaster. The risk that you take is part of the adventure of marriage. But, if you decide to take that risk, you must first consider the odds. Are they in your favor? If not, you might be taking a far greater risk than you should.
Please do not panic, bury your head in the sand, or hit the road. But, do think it over and talk it over. Make certain that you are acting responsibly in that your decision to marry is made with good judgment. You might want to ask advice from a qualified, unbiased person, such as a priest, minister, or married person.
Although marriage is a wonderful state, it is also a life-long task that should be given careful consideration before a lasting decision is made or binding action taken. You owe it to one another to be honest about your feelings and your situation. Only good can come of it.
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